New Year, New Goals, Same Old Demons

TL;DR version:

-You’re your own worst critic.

-Never judge a book by its cover.

-Be kind; for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

-Who rescued who?

End post.

Now then to the longer version.

I honestly was 90%/10% about posting this tonight, the former being to not post it; it’s actually really poor timing with the news I’m going to reveal tomorrow; but I wanted everyone (friends, family, hopeful future clients) to know what is happening on my end; I want to be 100% upfront and honest; I want people to know the real me. And before I continue, please, this is not a pity post; I’m not trying to look for handouts or anything like that; as stated earlier, I want to be 100% upfront and honest.

Now then, let us begin. Social media has become an amazing thing. It lets you connect to people around the world, find out new trends/fads and can basically chronicle your life. What also makes social media a great thing is the fact that you can show everyone (friends, family, neighbors, strangers), the GREAT things that are going on in your life. People retake pictures hundreds of times over to get the right lighting, the right angle and then throw on some filters to add that special little touch. Now don’t take that as me hating on people, because I do it myself. You want to show people the best of yourself. That’s how you get more followers; show people your accomplishments, never your failures. Now that was a very vague statement because there are people who post their failures, their bad angles and I applaud them for that; I applaud them for showing people the real you and that’s what this post is about.

You really are your own worst critic. I have gotten nothing but compliments the past couple weeks congratulating me on my recent noticeable weight loss. I went pescatarian a little while back and actually started counting my macros and it has made a huge difference, along with all the training I’ve been doing. I still eat six times a day I and am satiated, but it’s still not enough to me. I’ve heard it over and over how skinny I look, how people can tell I’ve lost so much weight, but it’s still not enough.

I think it stems back to when I was ten years old in diabetes camp(it was a sleep away camp); I had this huge crush on a girl there, I think her name was Natalia; So one day we were on a trail walk and she somehow found out that I liked her. She point blank asked me if I had a crush on her. I kind of stumbled for a minute and finally was able to mumble “yes.” And she hit me with, “well I would never date you because your fat and you have a gap.” That CRUSHED me. I think it was from that day on that I took eating right seriously and focused more on sports to get that lean athletic look. It’s still a bit of a complex that I have that is always nagging at me in the back of my head. Which is funny because everyone that knows me in the racing/crossfit community knows me as Samurai Piggy. The guy who is 6′-2″ and who wears nothing but a speedo the day of an event and goes out and does his best; I actually hate my body.

Which leads me to never judging a book by its cover/ being kind to EVERYONE you meet for  you never know what demons those people are battling on a day to day basis. On the outside (which most of you know me for) I’m happy go lucky Haidar. The guy that is ALWAYS in a good mood and is there to lift your spirits. Honestly, sometimes the biggest accomplishment for me is making it out of bed in the morning. Being diagnosed with hashimotos/thyroid cancer has given me a host of side effects; but most people won’t notice because I’m really good at putting on a mask like everything is okay. The depression takes its toll, the fatigue, not having a working metabolism so I have to put in twice the work for half the results, it’s something that bothers me every. single. day. And I HATE being pitied; I can’t stand it; it bothers me so much that even when you can tell that I’m about to go into a diabetic seizure, I’ll just shrug it off and tell you I’m okay.

Sidenote: shout out to all my exes, any girl I’ve ever talked to, any girl I’ve ever been in a relationship with; they’ve dealt with the real me, the mood swings, the being closed off, they the real MVPs.

And another shout out to all my friends. Guys, I love you. You make me want to be better and if I ever made plans with you and bailed, it was all me, I’m sorry.

Continuing on, it is never enough for me. I’m way too hard headed for my own good. Even though I’ve made significant gains from when I started training, I’m never fast enough, I’m never strong enough, I’m never thin enough and it bothers the hell out of me. That’s why I keep pushing, that’s why I keep fighting. You might see me about to puke, but I’m going to get that last rep in, I’m going to finish whatever distance I’ve set to run that day.

The love and support I’ve received from both my friends and family is what makes me get up and out of bed every morning. I can honestly say that I’m truly blessed. Even with everything I deal with, I could have had it so much worse. I’m only dealing with thyroid cancer (which I’ve recently been cleared of!) I could have been diagnosed with something terminal, and thank God I wasn’t. And my diabetes? Not even a bother. I’ve had it since I was two, it’s basically a part of my life. I’ve literally been able to travel the world and have been able to meet amazing people with amazing stories in all the races I’ve done. And even here at home, I’ve met awesome people in the crossfit community/competitions. Even people who just happen to follow me on any of my social media sites, super awesome people.

And what keeps me going is these messages/comments from people telling me how I inspire them. That’s insane to me. I mean, I’m here trying to better myself and I just happen to motivate people to want to do/be better. I honestly can’t believe it. And like I said earlier, it could have been a lot worse. And that’s what pushes me to do more. It makes me want to run more, lift more, travel more and meet more people with amazing stories.

Which is kind of segway into the news I’m going to reveal tomorrow. I feel like I’m here to do more than just sit behind a desk; I feel like I’m here to make a significant change in people lives and bring them together to be one big happy community.

Oh, and I can’t forget the who rescued who line. I put it there because while I’m where I currently am because of the love and support I receive on the daily from my friends and family, this is what I get to come home to every night no matter what.

image2

My number one supporter.

And one last shout out to my family. While I don’t know how they deal with me, they encourage and support everything I do and back me up no matter what.

Except for the speedos… and the crossdressing… and wanting to do ultras/ crossfit competitions; but they know I’m still going to do it and support me regardless.

So if you’ve read through this, congratulations! And please if you ever need anyone to talk to, know that I’m here and I will take the time to listen to you and try to help you out if it is within my capabilities.

I love and appreciate everyone in my life and everyone I haven’t met yet.

Thanks for being you!

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